Chapter 3 - Seeing God in Our Friendships

"She woke up the next morning and decided to compete, and she won Miss Scottsdale. We couldn't believe it. When the judges interviewed Hilary behind the scenes, she introduced herself and said, 'I'm really glad to be here. I wasn't sure I was going to make it-Tuesday night I was raped at knifepoint in my apartment, and I wasn't even sure I would live, much less be here. But I'm here. If I didn't compete, I would let this person destroy my life, and I'm not willing to do that. I'm here to take on the responsibilities of Miss Scottsdale and answer any questions you have for me.' Hilary was able to speak to those judges with authority. It wasn't 'poor me; feel sorry for me.' She did beautifully throughout the entire evening. We were in tears and beside ourselves when she won.

"What she told me later made everything clear. 'Hilary, why did you decide to compete?'

"'Well, Jen, I wasn't sure until I talked to you on the phone.'

"'What was it about that conversation that was meaningful?'

"'You said, "Hilary, I wasn't planning on going to watch you compete, but if you're going to compete I wouldn't miss it for the world."'

"Hilary said that comment turned her around because she knew she had enough support to do it. That amazed me because I thought the significant part was the prayer I had said. But it wasn't-it was support that strengthened her to compete and win. She was relying on my belief in her.

"It's funny that God would use something so seemingly benign. It seemed like pretty normal family support to me, but I suppose God spoke in some way that was audible only to her. Going from the depths of despair Tuesday night to total disbelief and elation Saturday night, this young lady decided to take her life back. Even though she was victimized, she was not going to be a victim. She was the victor."

Hilary intuitively knew she was safe with her aunt. Jennifer gave her the encouragement she needed to overcome so much in such a short time and be who God meant her to be. Hilary needed Jennifer and Jennifer needed Hilary to fulfill God's call in their lives. Hilary's win was a victory for them both.

Love, wisdom, and communication need to flow freely both ways. Joy knew I needed her and Joy needed to be needed. We felt safe with each other, respected each other's value systems, and knew we would fill each other's needs. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs [1] is a basic psychological profile of the order in which our human needs are met. Our basic needs must be filled before our aesthetic needs can be developed. Jesus knew this, and it is why He healed the sick and fed the hungry first. Then He could save our souls.

Although I disagree with Maslow's premise that humans are basically trustworthy, I do agree with his idea that humans tend toward growth and love. The five levels, starting at the bottom, are physiology, safety, love, esteem, and self-actualization. God used Joy to meet my basic needs so I could self-actualize by becoming who He meant me to be.

Hilary needed the comfort of her trusted relationship with Jen. All of Hilary's family, including Jennifer who had her own practice, encouraged Hilary to seek counseling. "I gave her the name of two people and strongly encouraged her to go and begin talking. She did not want to go to counseling since she didn't know the women, and she felt like this was such a touchy subject to discuss with a total stranger. She felt that she would 'perform' by giving them the answers they wanted to hear. It's good that she knows herself well enough to understand she'd perform as she does in pageants. She's very poised, verbal, and articulate.

"So she went twice to two different counselors, and her response was, 'Jen, they just sit there. They don't say anything, and there are these long, pregnant pauses. They can't tell me anything I don't already know. I want to talk to you.'

"I explained to her, 'There's this thing called a dual relationship. Therapists are not allowed to have more than one relationship with a client. Ethically I am not allowed to counsel a family member. I'm too close to you, so it will not work.'

"Hilary was insistent that she did not want to see anybody else. So I said, 'OK, Hilary, I will not counsel you, but I will meet with you, and we will talk.'"

[1] Abraham Maslow first published his well-known "Hierarchy of Needs" in his book Motivation and Personality (1943). More information can be found online at http://www.deepermind.com/20maslow.htm.

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