Chapter 3 - Seeing God in Our Friendships

I was an open and willing questioner and listener, and Joy was a willing and available counselor and confidant. I don't think either one of us was conscious about it. It was just a natural consequence of our friendship.

The way Joy listened then and still listens now is a gift passed down to her from her mother. Joy learned from her mother that listening feels like love. Her mother listened to Joy and Joy knew it. If something became a burden in her heart, she knew she could tell her mother without any fear of judgment or condemnation.

Sometimes what we don't say speaks louder than what we do, and her mother had mastered the art of reading between the lines. Listening felt like love to Joy. Oftentimes perception is more important than reality. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Sometimes our loudest communication is simply the motives of our heart. What happened was not as important as how Joy felt.

"If you tell me about it," her mother would say to her, "no matter what it is, I will not punish you for telling the truth." Little Joy would confess. She loved talking with her mom, knowing that she was always heard. Listening is a gift that passed from Joy's mother to Joy to me. There's nothing like having children that brings out the real you. This came into sharp focus when my two daughters would talk with me.

Before I knew what Joy's mother had told her, I always told my children they would not get in trouble for telling the truth, so they've been good about being honest even when they didn't want to. However, there were times when I could sense the walls of my own agenda going up in my mind, which their communication couldn't climb.

My walls were put there by fear, and taken down by Joy's love and my own 12-step recovery work. Our friendship was such a safe harbor, protected from the tempests of incivility and misunderstanding. There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection]. If anyone says, I love God, and hates (detests, abominates) his brother [in Christ], he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, Whom he has not seen (1 Jo 4:18,20).

Growing pain and healing pain may hurt, but that pain can be your doorway to healing. It was for me. You just have to be willing. .uphold me with a willing spirit (Ps 51:12).

I will never forget my friend Lisa who, after recuperating from corrective shoulder surgery, stopped taking narcotics to ease her intense discomfort. "I can handle the healing pain," she said. She did, and her shoulder works wonderfully. Lisa's words impacted my soul as she shared her strength with me. Just because pain hurts doesn't mean it's harmful. Just as Lisa handled her pain with so much dignity, so have I seen Joy do the same. In our friendship, I am learning to do likewise.

When you have a mentor or someone who is well into the journey of life, that person's wisdom and experience has the potential to catapult us to destiny because he or she has learned the hard lessons of life and is willing to pass them on to you. According to Joy's perspective, "Lots of people have gone through crushing things that they don't understand. We know God has a purpose for it-I don't know what the purpose is, but I know what mine was. I sometimes ask 'God why do I have to walk alone in this? Why can't somebody help me?' He explains to me, 'This is you and I walking together. Listen to My voice. They are learning to understand, and I'm giving you My compassion to touch them.' This sense is in me all the time, and it never goes away. It's not like something that was there and is gone. It is alive in my spirit constantly, and I thank God for it. There's a lesson learned and I am learning."

You are probably in a relationship with your mentor because you recognize you have a lot in common with each other. When you nurture this bond, your own personal growth and mutually met needs will be a natural result of your friendship.

You don't have to take notes on your lessons. What you feed grows. When you communicate, stay in touch, and act on little things your friend says that you know are true, maturing will be a natural process.

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